Dear Jebus, It's Just Not that Complicated!

 Picking up with my theme from Monday, I will continue to share the most common characters that enter the cafe. Like great literature or film, my day-to-day life at the CONFIDENTIALITY CLAUSE Cafe is made of up about 10 types of people that find old and rarely unique ways to make me regret all of my life decisions leading up to this point. We've already met the field mouse and the rat, so let's move on to the next two animals:

The Ostrich - Most commonly a man (although I use the term lightly), the ostrich appears incapable of making simple decisions on his (or rarely her) own. The cafe caters (pun intended) to a broad clientele but we do have more than our fair share of couples or varying ages or families. Children under the age of 12 are my easiest customers - often polite, sometimes sweet, always absolutely sure of what they want to eat and commonly confident enough to place their orders. Men, especially when traveling with a partner, are the opposite. Too frequently I ask my regular follow-up questions ("Would you like cheese?" "chips or salad?" "small or large?") only to receive a blank stare, followed by a look of panic and then the inevitable turn to the mate and the question, "Dear?" Common foods for the ostrich are the hamburger, a side order of french fries or whatever his mate tells him to order.

The Vulture - The vulture may sound like a terrifying creature, strong and swift, maliciously feasting on the decaying remains of any vulnerable creature in sight, but the cafe vulture is more pitiable and less disgusting. First of all, the vulture is neither neither strong nor malicious... he or she is just naive, lazy, uninformed or downright stupid. And the vulture doesn't pray on decaying remains, no no. Rather, the vulture feasts on someone else's tasty meal with a healthy dose of my patience on the side. You see, I've come to realize that most people don't know anything about food - the food they order or the food they eat. The vulture is a person that waits in line, places an order, and then takes the first plate of food sent their direction regardless of what's on the plate. Here are a few examples:

• This week, I called out an order for and placed on the counter a cup of soup while finishing the previous customer's shrimp quesadilla. This is pretty simple. A cup of soup takes no time for me to serve while a quesadilla requires approximately 4 minutes of prep and cook time. In case there is any confusion, a cup of soup (in a to-go container) looks like this:

And a quesadilla looks like this:

When I finished the quesadilla and called out the order, placing the plate on the counter, I looked around and couldn't find the customer. Meanwhile, there was an impatient customer glaring at me. I asked what she was waiting for and she replied, "My large cup of vegetable soup." What happened? Well, my quesadilla customer either forgot his order or is so amazingly stupid that he doesn't know the difference between a cup of soup and a quesadilla. The answer to this age-old question matters not. This was just another example of a vulture swooping in and feasting on another person's food and, not least important, my patience and that of the irritated customer.

** For anyone wondering about the title, Jebus is a reference from one of the funniest Simpsons episodes that I have ever seen.

What's the Quesadillio with Dumbass Tortilla Mispronunciation?

This post has been a long time coming; in fact, the subject was part of the inspiration for this blog. After the lunch service that I experienced today, I could wait no longer. I have to ask: what is the quesadillio with my customers' inability to pronounce "quesadilla"?

For longtime readers of this still-young blog, you might remember a story that I shared about a customer  ordering a quesadillio. No, this customer was not P Diddy. It was an elderly woman who struggled to answer her friends' question about her order.

Customer: "I ordered a quesadiller... quesadill... quesa... I ordered a quesadillio!"

Remember this story? It's etched on my brain. But I won't be presumptuous. As a courtesy and to make sure we're on the same page, please observe the diacritical pronunciation and definition of the word quesadilla:

quesadilla |ˌkāsəˈdēyə

tortilla filled with cheese and heated.

Are we good so far? Fantastic! Before we move on, a confession. My Spanish language skills are abysmal, almost comical to hear in person. Some of my native Spanish-speaking coworkers are kind and patient enough with me to speak the language and try to teach me words, even sentences. Patient is the key word here because I am just so embarrassingly awful, especially considering I enrolled in classes from middle school through my first year of high school. That said, I have successfully ordered this cheesy treat since my tenth birthday. What was my secret, you might ask? Language lessons? Infused with a secret knowledge by aliens? Simple... I watched my first Taco Bell commercial. And I've been set ever since.

Unfortunately, it seems that an entire population of cafe visitors has never dined at or seen a commercial advertising my favorite fast food restaurant. What a shame, too! Does anyone else miss the chihuahua commercials? Me neither. But the food is very tasty and the commercials provide a valuable public service. Bronx and Westchester (mostly Westchester) counties are missing out.

It comes down to this. Quesadilla is not a new word. It's been around the good old US of A for a long time now. The concept shouldn't be new either. But, for my customers, it is. Some could not identify a  tortilla in a police lineup. And many have to ask me if it is a hot or cold sandwich. Dear lord, it never ends! Here are some of the bizarre pronunciations (with the diacritical pronunciation marks) that I have encountered since it was added to the menu last fall:

• Quesadilla (kāsə dilə)

By far the most common, I used to have a horrible attitude about this one but now I respect it a bit more. At least customers are trying to pronounce the word phonetically, which is more than I can say for most of these verbal disasters.

• Quesadillio (kāsəˈdil ēy ō)

I've already talked about this one. It makes me shake my head and want to cry.

• Quesadiller (kāsə dilər

Really? Because it's not even close. Where's the "R? and what's with the soft "D"?

• Quesado (kasad ō)

Go back and look at the actual word and then look again at this monstrosity. How many letters need to be removed and/or changed to get from Quesadilla to Quesado. I don't know if this is laziness, foolishness, or both. Your idea is as good as mine.

• Quesadilia (kāsəˈdil ēy ə)

Very close to Quesadilio but not quite as funny because I can't make my standard P Diddy joke. The customer has to shorten an "L" and add a dot to get from the real to the mistake. Seems like a lot of effort.

• Quesadiwa (kāsə dēwä)

Again, I shake my head. My best guess is that this customer is way too big of a fan of the priest from Princess Bride and purposely finds the letter "W" in every word (check out this link if you don't get the movie reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sbqv3MwwVd8).


I heard four of these gaffes today alone. And yes, I did have fantasies of bludgeoning these people with whole wheat baguettes until they got the word right. Oh, a cook can dream...

But let's not stop there. I am compelled to share the most ridiculously culturally narrow-minded comment I have ever heard about a quesadilla. Four well-dressed, guessing mid-fifties women stepped on the line and, after perusing the menu, one said to the other, "Oh look, Mary. Quesadillas! They have ethnic food here!"

Even sadder than the comment? Even that woman got the word right.

This Week's Top Ten Most Head-Shaking Buffalo Chicken Moments

My work week is over and it's time for me to share my top ten most ridiculous, frustrating, or otherwise head-shaking comments (with a little bit of context when needed).

Number 10: "Wow, that chicken looks amazing" (looking at the display plate of our breaded veal entree, clearly labeled on the menu).

Number 9: A customer returns to the line to share a compliment after finishing his meal.  He says "That veal entree was the best tasting chicken I've ever had."

Number 8: A rather unpleasant man ordered a cup of soup and requested a plastic soup spoon so I sent him to our cashier. He returns and exclaims, "I have been coming here for over 15 years and always eat my soup with a plastic soup spoon. I am very disappointed!" My thought bubble: 15 years? Time to try speed dating.

Number 7: Courtesy of Toots, my disturbing stalker… I mean regular "Oh, I would love the entree but without the starch. I'm watching my figure and it makes me a little gassy."

Number 6: Customer to a friend "Hey look, they have pananis! Can you tell me what the daily panani is?"

Number 5: This one happens a lot but is not necessarily worthy of a full blog post. Whenever a customer orders a panini, I ask if s/he would like chips OR side salad. The frequent response, that happened four times today, is "Yes!"

Number 4: A customer asks for a freshly prepared salad from our salad bar. Here is what she requested with a helpful translation "Some of that mixed green stuff (mesclun mix), and some of the orange shreds (carrot), some mushrooms (they really were mushrooms, so kudos!), some of those nuts (actually chick peas or garbanzo beans - your choice), and the brown stuff (balsamic vinaigrette).

Number 3: In a nice change, the customer appeared to read the menu. She turned to me and asked "How do they cook the sauté vegetables?" My snarky response "Very carefully."

Number 2: Customer trying to make small talk says to me "You must love interacting with so many people!" My thought bubble: HAHAAAHAAAHAAA! I laugh so I won't cry.

Number 1: Customer asks another customer what she ordered. Her response "I ordered the quesadiller… I mean quesadill… I ordered the quesadillio."

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Yes, dear readers… a quesadillio. And no, dear readers, my customer was not P-Diddy. She was an older white woman who be the feature player in a future entry on the all too frequent mispronunciation of quesadilla. But for another day. Until then, have a wonderful weekend and please write in if you would like to share any similar experiences.