This Week's Top 5 Most Irritating Customer Comments

I'm back from a week-long hiatus to share five exchanges that got under my grill during the week. Unfortunately, these questions and comments are pretty routine. Here they are in all of their non-existent glory.

5. "So, what's good today?" Okay, I pride myself on honesty, especially with my regulars. And no cook is perfect despite best intentions and sometimes we swing and miss (outside of a Keller establishment, of course). But this question just bugs me. Of course, as a customer service professional and face of the cafe, my response is always "Everything" followed by a long roll of the eyes that I hope the customer sees. No cook appreciates the presumption that some of the food is good and some is not, especially when forced to engage the presumption. The question is also a waste of time. If a customer is interested in hearing suggestions... ask! Offer some information about yours tastes or palette. There is nothing useful or charming about asking "what's good today." When your line cook hears it too much, the food may be good but the attitude will sour quickly.

4. "Can you make me a small salad fresh to order?" On face, this sounds reasonable, right? Wrong, especially when I have a line extending to the door and I've been pulling teeth trying to herd my cattle, I mean customers, down the line. Every time our lunch service features an entree accompanied by a fall, spring or winter salad, at least a dozen customers request something off menu. Don't get me wrong, I'm sympathetic. But not with a line. Keep it moving people, especially after you get shot down. Don't stand and try to argue your case. The line cook cares about one thing - clearing the line and restocking before the next wave. Oh, and one more thing... the pre-made salads are just as "fresh" as anything I could make from my mise en place. In fact, they are kept cooler and exposed to less air.

3. "Oh, I'm so glad I got here before the crowd. What's ready? Can you toast a bagel?" This string of questions is a pre-service special. Here's some context. There is a limited amount of prep space in our well-stocked and organized kitchen, so I do my prep work on the line. Every morning I work with a sense of urgency to finish my sidework, restock my mise en place, clean, prep panini and tarts and help the lead cook when I have time left over (which is very rare). So imagine how frustrated I am every time an early customer presumes the absence of a line means that I have time to help them early? Customer service before service is a serious trade off. Add on the dash of naivete from the customer that thinks my time is their time and I'm not busy, and you get a ticked off line cook.

2. "What kind of cheese do you use in for the grilled Vermont cheddar cheese sandwich?" I don't even need to touch this one.

*** The final exchange is more than a simple question - enjoy ***

1. Today, we served a butternut squash and apple puree soup, which most people simply in their orders as "butternut squash." It works, no arguments here. But this shorthand became an issue with a customer that didn't read any of our menus before ordering.

Customer: "Would you be willing to give me the butternut squash instead of the side salad or chips? Please, that's what I really want."

Des (my line cook partner on the weekends): "Sure, David will get you a small butternut squash."

David: "Small butternut squash" (passing a small cup of soup to the customer).

Customer: "I didn't order this. I asked for a side of the butternut squash."

Customer's Embarrassed Friend: "That is the butternut squash; it's a soup."

Customer: "Oh, well I really just want roasted squash. Can I have that instead?"

David Thought Bubble: If not for your ability to pronounce panini properly, I would roast you more than the squash that we don't have available in my next blog post.

Things Not to Say to Your Line Cook

The Wine and Food Festival is over, the weather is beautiful and I am back to work full-time at the cafe, which means the buffalo chicken moments are picking up again. The Tuesday shift was uneventful except for an unfortunate couple that remained convinced (even after a polite correction) that they properly ordered a "panari." Of course, my mind so influenced by cartoons as a child, went directly to images of a hybrid grilled sandwich/canary that spoke like Tweety Bird. Boy I wish I was more familiar with PhotoShop.

Today was a different story. Wednesday lunch service is always more eventful than other weekdays for reasons my confidentiality clause will not allow me to divulge. Needless to say, my delightful regular customers are augmented by tourists, elderly patrons looking for a bargain, and the occasional non-working parent with children a bit too young for school. I know what you're thinking - recipe for frustration. You're right. And while I like a busy line, working at a quick clip, I find myself wishing against wish, hoping against hope, that these Wednesday patrons could keep their comments to themselves and let me enjoy my service. Here are a few examples of things I don't want to hear from customers on a busy day:

• "Well hello David!" and you may substitute any other greeting that includes my name. Seems like I'm being pretty cold, right? Wrong. Just because I wear a name tag doesn't mean that you know me personally. I am happy that my regulars know and use my name. They've earned it. But don't think that correctly reading my name tag entitles you to a personal exchange, especially when I'm busy.
• "Wow, it looks like you could use an extra set of arms!" Really? Well I think you could use a little common sense. If I'm working so hard that I could use an extra set of arms, do you really think I have time to listen to witless banter, let alone participate? Here's the thing. A customer may say things like this in appreciation of my speed or effort, but it always sounds like an insult. Just like when I hear people say...
• "I can't believe you're out here all alone. You could use another person." Thanks. Actually, I feel pretty good about serving nine people at once, each with multiple items in their order, that I am able to keep organized and serve hot together. Besides, the greatest impediment to fast service is any among the follow: customers not moving down the line, ordering food item by item, taking another customers food instead of one's own, and forcing the line cook to engage in that witless banter when s/he is clearly trying to bust through some orders.
• "Oh, you mean the panani is a sandwich? I thought it was ____ (insert embarrassingly incorrect food item here)." Where do I begin? We've already been over my issues with sandwich mispronouncitation. My biggest issue here? If you don't know what a word or menu item is, ask before ordering. Don't wait the three minutes I take to cook the food only to stop me when I want to move on to customers that have waited patiently for my attention. Questions come before ordering, not after.

I recognize that some of my issues might seem unreasonable but know this: cooks are prideful  attention-mongers that like the thrill of working quickly, but we will never feel good about unreasonable wait times. We need to work with customers to make sure food gets out hot and fast and we need customer assistance to get that job done. Minimizing the not-so-supportive chit chat is a great way to help.

Knowing what one just ordered also helps. And asking reasonable questions early in the process is the way to speed things along. My total lack of knowledge about food can fill hundreds of books but I always ask questions quickly before ordering. That's how I learn and make things easier for the cooks at the same time.

This Just Sounds Dirty! Couples Talk Panani

The storm that many weather people are calling epic slowed business almost to a halt today, but even a powerful front like the one that left freeways and city streets flooded, trees downed, and mass transit massively stalled, could not deliver a day free from buffalo chicken moments. While most potential customers stayed away, our old friend the unfortunately sexual sounding "panani" returned today in fine form.

A sweet couple (probably the other side of 55 and, based on my recent experience, probably visiting from the Midwest) entered the cafe under the watchful and professional guidance of one of my favorite regulars. Must be an important customer, I thought, so I did my best to put on the charm. Imagine the difficulty I faced during this exchange:

Kindly Woman: "Oh my, so many choices. You know, I think the panani looks very good. I'd like a panani."

David Thought Bubble: Must... keep... from... laughing.

Kindly Man: "Hmmm, what will I have? Everything looks so good but I really want a panani. Honey (thankfully to his wife, not me), I really want a panani."

David Thought Bubble: Don't we all. But really, this is too much...

Kindly Woman: "Oh, I know, the panani looks so good. That's what I'm having too."

David Thought Bubble: No one will ever believe this!

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I'm really not immature, I swear. This exchange was hilarious but out of respect for my regular, I kept my trademark snarky comments to myself and neglected to correct their pronunciation.

After my first entry on the panini/panani problem, one of my high school friends who also possesses far greater culinary knowledge than me shared a bit of cultural knowledge that I am happy now to pass along, quoting at length. I sincerely appreciate the info and hope you enjoy it as well:

"Panini is the plural Italian word for sandwich (panino usually refers to a small sandwich) and another reason to get annoyed... is when Americans add an "s" to the end of an Italian word ending in an "I" (Paninis, salamis, pepperonis, spaghettis)."

Thanks, S! If anyone ever has something to share, please let me know in the comments or by e-mail.

This Week's Top Ten Most Head-Shaking Buffalo Chicken Moments

My work week is over and it's time for me to share my top ten most ridiculous, frustrating, or otherwise head-shaking comments (with a little bit of context when needed).

Number 10: "Wow, that chicken looks amazing" (looking at the display plate of our breaded veal entree, clearly labeled on the menu).

Number 9: A customer returns to the line to share a compliment after finishing his meal.  He says "That veal entree was the best tasting chicken I've ever had."

Number 8: A rather unpleasant man ordered a cup of soup and requested a plastic soup spoon so I sent him to our cashier. He returns and exclaims, "I have been coming here for over 15 years and always eat my soup with a plastic soup spoon. I am very disappointed!" My thought bubble: 15 years? Time to try speed dating.

Number 7: Courtesy of Toots, my disturbing stalker… I mean regular "Oh, I would love the entree but without the starch. I'm watching my figure and it makes me a little gassy."

Number 6: Customer to a friend "Hey look, they have pananis! Can you tell me what the daily panani is?"

Number 5: This one happens a lot but is not necessarily worthy of a full blog post. Whenever a customer orders a panini, I ask if s/he would like chips OR side salad. The frequent response, that happened four times today, is "Yes!"

Number 4: A customer asks for a freshly prepared salad from our salad bar. Here is what she requested with a helpful translation "Some of that mixed green stuff (mesclun mix), and some of the orange shreds (carrot), some mushrooms (they really were mushrooms, so kudos!), some of those nuts (actually chick peas or garbanzo beans - your choice), and the brown stuff (balsamic vinaigrette).

Number 3: In a nice change, the customer appeared to read the menu. She turned to me and asked "How do they cook the sauté vegetables?" My snarky response "Very carefully."

Number 2: Customer trying to make small talk says to me "You must love interacting with so many people!" My thought bubble: HAHAAAHAAAHAAA! I laugh so I won't cry.

Number 1: Customer asks another customer what she ordered. Her response "I ordered the quesadiller… I mean quesadill… I ordered the quesadillio."

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Yes, dear readers… a quesadillio. And no, dear readers, my customer was not P-Diddy. She was an older white woman who be the feature player in a future entry on the all too frequent mispronunciation of quesadilla. But for another day. Until then, have a wonderful weekend and please write in if you would like to share any similar experiences.

"Panini" / "Panani" -- An R-Rated Discussion of Sandwich Mispronunciation

I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression - I am a fair and patient person, particularly when it comes to encountering new words. You should hear me try to pronounce words in different languages. It's embarrassing and laughable but I forgive myself because I give my best shot... read the letters in front of me, maybe ask for help, and gracefully accept the inevitable correction.

This makes me wonder, then, why so many legions of customers insist on my all too regular requests for our daily panani. Not sure why this is a problem? Let's start with the fact that there is no such thing as a panani in the English language, certainly not on our two (2) menus listing instead a daily panini, a tasty grilled sandwich that I dutifully prepare every morning before service. What's the deal, customers? It's not like you are mistakening a soft i for a hard i. You are changing the letter itself!

The other problem is with the way this faux pas sounds. Say the word aloud: Panani. Is it just me or does this sound all too close to a euphemism for a certain part of the female anatomy? Everyone thinks it. You know I'm right. It sounds ludicrous and a little bit dirty, and even the most mature professionals are going to shake their heads or make a joke or two at your expense.

Lastly, and I don't mean to be a jerk, but most of the panani crew have more than a few years under their belts. Imagine what it must sound like hearing a request for a panani sweet old grandma Sue? It's enough to make a person gag and blush at the same time. Really, it's just nasty!

Here are a couple true accounts of "panani" moments, the most unfortunate by far, and my thought-bubble or real reactions. And yes, this will be a regular feature in this blog.

Experience 1:
David: What would you like?
Customer: I'd like two panani's.
David Thought Bubble: Leave $250 on the counter and I'll see what I can do.

Experience 2:

David: What would you like?
Customer: How about a daily panani?
David: I don't have any panani's. How about a panini instead?
Customer: Does it cost more?
David Thought Bubble: Only your dignity and mine.

Experience 3:

David: What can I get you?
Customer: I'd like the Grilled Eggplant punany.
David: Excuse me? You would like what? (Thought bubble: You have to be kidding me!)
Customer: Oh, I mean the daily panani.
David: For next time, it's pronounced panini, ma'am. Would you like chips or salad?

Experience 4:
David: What would you like?
Customer: Well, I'd like the panani but could you put the sauce on the side? I don't like my panani to be wet.
David: Can you excuse me, I need to step into the kitchen for a moment.


11/30/2011: Hello dear readers. I am part of a new, exciting webseries that really gets to the core of the Buffalo-Chicken-Moments experience. It's called Waiting On Others and will debut in January 2012. We have a new Tumblr blog and I would love it if you checked out what we have to say. waitingonothers.tumblr.com