Pun Fun

It was a slow day for buffalo chicken moments - good for my patience but bad for the blog. Sure, I dealt with my fair share of surly elderly customers but that comes with the territory, especially on Wednesdays and Fridays. But really, things moved smoothly. I worked the line alone, had a few fun rushes, and saw a dozen of my favorite customers.

On days like this - a bit slow if not manageable and me maintaining a good mood - I take delight in one of my favorite linguistic exercises... punning. Here are a few of my favorite puns of the day.

• With Cuban Black Bean Soup on the menu, I eagerly waited for the handful of customers who requested a "small black bean." Of course I knew what they wanted, but what they got was a small soup cup with a single black bean sitting at the bottom of the cup.
• Between the temperate weather and a TGIF attitude, more than a few customers treated this day as a burger and fries day. My favorite game? When a customer requests a fry or a small fry. Once again, I know what they want. What do they get? A single french fry, size determined by their modifier.
• Outside the bounds of a pun, I also have fun with passive aggressive questions. Here are a few examples: do you have a paper plate? Do you know what's in this sandwich? Do you know the soup of the day? I heard all three of these questions today. My answer? "Yes." And then I walk away.

I know I'm pushing my luck, but, especially on slow days, I really must keep myself entertained.

Speaking of being entertained, my colleagues and I sometimes find a few laughs in the expectations of our customers. Our standards are remarkably high for a cafe - we keep things fresh and prepared by expert cooks. But today, one of my colleagues was amused by a customer's question about whether or not our burgers are from grass fed cows. Sorry, folks, this isn't Per Se. I understand that the customer really wanted to know if the meat was organic, which is an easier question to field (pun intended, of course). But we aren't going to know that level of minutia. Likewise, I received a question about whether or not our salmon was caught in the last two days. We use very high quality product, but please

You Can't Seriously Be that Dumb?!

A dreary day outside put a slow day on our menu at the cafe, but it was not too slow to avoid one of the most plainly idiotic questions that I have ever heard. But first, I'll return to the display plates. I love display plates. They look nice, offer an opportunity for the chef or myself to play with the aesthetics of food and there is something gratifying about hearing compliments followed by orders. But the effectiveness of a display plate is tied to the mental and visual capacities of our guests.


Today's special was braised duck leg (swimming in a brown onion and mushroom sauce) served with roasted acorn squash and a warm lentil salad, garnished with mango chutney, toasted pumpkin seeds and walnuts. The display plate was quite nice, each component artfully arranged with an extra kale leaf, the reds and purples accenting both the plate and the squash.

A customer looks first at the display plate, then our soup menu, and then she moves directly in front of the display plate. She points at the dish and asks "Is that the Wisconsin Cheddar and Beer soup?"

There were no words in that moment.

My thought bubble: Oh my lord, are you really so absurdly naive to not know what soup looks like? Did you grow up in a soup-a-tarian household that rejected not just the tasting but knowledge of soups? Why are you trying to punish me?

My comment: No, ma'am. You will find the soup in these large containers over here. I recommend that you take a glance at our specials menu.


It's buffalo-chicken moments like these that make me want to cry. So, for anyone out there that needs a hand, I offer the following example:

Duck... yum yum!

Soup... also yummy but very different indeed.

I can see the room for confusion. Both are wet but only one has legs. Both are tasty with mushrooms, but one will slide off a plate into a puddle on the counter. I could go on and on but this question made my head hurt.

This Week's Top Ten Most Head-Shaking Buffalo Chicken Moments

My work week is over and it's time for me to share my top ten most ridiculous, frustrating, or otherwise head-shaking comments (with a little bit of context when needed).

Number 10: "Wow, that chicken looks amazing" (looking at the display plate of our breaded veal entree, clearly labeled on the menu).

Number 9: A customer returns to the line to share a compliment after finishing his meal.  He says "That veal entree was the best tasting chicken I've ever had."

Number 8: A rather unpleasant man ordered a cup of soup and requested a plastic soup spoon so I sent him to our cashier. He returns and exclaims, "I have been coming here for over 15 years and always eat my soup with a plastic soup spoon. I am very disappointed!" My thought bubble: 15 years? Time to try speed dating.

Number 7: Courtesy of Toots, my disturbing stalker… I mean regular "Oh, I would love the entree but without the starch. I'm watching my figure and it makes me a little gassy."

Number 6: Customer to a friend "Hey look, they have pananis! Can you tell me what the daily panani is?"

Number 5: This one happens a lot but is not necessarily worthy of a full blog post. Whenever a customer orders a panini, I ask if s/he would like chips OR side salad. The frequent response, that happened four times today, is "Yes!"

Number 4: A customer asks for a freshly prepared salad from our salad bar. Here is what she requested with a helpful translation "Some of that mixed green stuff (mesclun mix), and some of the orange shreds (carrot), some mushrooms (they really were mushrooms, so kudos!), some of those nuts (actually chick peas or garbanzo beans - your choice), and the brown stuff (balsamic vinaigrette).

Number 3: In a nice change, the customer appeared to read the menu. She turned to me and asked "How do they cook the sauté vegetables?" My snarky response "Very carefully."

Number 2: Customer trying to make small talk says to me "You must love interacting with so many people!" My thought bubble: HAHAAAHAAAHAAA! I laugh so I won't cry.

Number 1: Customer asks another customer what she ordered. Her response "I ordered the quesadiller… I mean quesadill… I ordered the quesadillio."

---------------

Yes, dear readers… a quesadillio. And no, dear readers, my customer was not P-Diddy. She was an older white woman who be the feature player in a future entry on the all too frequent mispronunciation of quesadilla. But for another day. Until then, have a wonderful weekend and please write in if you would like to share any similar experiences.